Joke page 1

Joke page 2

 
This was allegedly posted very briefly on the McDonnell-Douglas website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour. The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour and made the web department take it down immediately. For once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too......

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft.  Inorder to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1.   
  [_] Mr.
  [_] Mrs.
  [_] Ms
  [_] Miss
  [_] Lt.
  [_] Gen.
  [_] Comrade
  [_] Classified
  [_] Other		 First Name:..............................................
Initial: ........
Last Name:....................................
Password:..................... (max. 8 char)
Code Name:...................................
Latitude.......................................
Longitude....................................
Altitude:..... .................................		 2.   Which model aircraft did you purchase?
 
  [_] F-14 Tomcat
  [_] F-15 Eagle
  [_] F-16 Falcon
  [_] F-117A Stealth
  [_] Classified
3.   Date of purchase
(Year/Month/Day):19......./......./......

 4. 
Serial Number:..........................
colour...........................................

 

 5.   Please indicate where this product was purchased:
 
  [_] Received as gift / aid package
  [_] Catalogue / showroom
  [_] Independent arms broker
  [_] Mail order
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  [_] Government surplus
  [_] Classified
 		 6.   Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:
 
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage 
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7.   Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product
 
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Back room politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat		 8.   Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used: 
   [_] North America
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Iran
   [_] Aircraft carrier
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Europe
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Middle East (not Iraq)
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Africa
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Asia / Far East
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Misc. Third World countries
   [_] Iraq
   [_] Classified
   [_] Iraq		 9.   Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
 
    [_] Colour TV
    [_] VCR
    [_] ICBM
    [_] Killer Satellite
    [_] CD Player
    [_] Air-to-Air Missiles
    [_] Space Shuttle
    [_] Home Computer
    [_] Nuclear Weapon
10.  How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate
all that apply:)
 
         [_] Communist / Socialist
         [_] Terrorist
         [_] Crazed
         [_] Neutral
         [_] Democratic
         [_] Dictatorship
         [_] Corrupt
         [_] Primitive / Tribal		 11.  How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
 
         [_] Deficit spending
         [_] Cash
         [_] Suitcases of cocaine
         [_] Oil revenues
         [_] Personal cheque
         [_] Credit card
         [_] Ransom money
         [_] Traveller's cheque		 12.  Your occupation:
 
    [_] Homemaker
    [_] Sales / marketing
    [_] Revolutionary
    [_] Clerical
    [_] Mercenary
    [_] Tyrant
    [_] Middle management
    [_] Eccentric billionaire
    [_] Defence Minister / General
    [_] Retired
    [_] Student
13.  To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Default on loans
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow		 [_] Gardening
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction

Thank you for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell Douglas serve you better in the future - as well as allowing you to receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia. As a bonus for responding to this survey, you will be registered to win a brand new F-117A in our Desert Thunder Sweepstakes!

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes?
 
Please write to:
 
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division

IMPORTANT: This email is intended for the use of the individual addressee(s) named above and may contain information that is confidential, privileged or unsuitable for overly sensitive persons with low self-esteem, no sense of humour or irrational religious beliefs. If you are not the intended recipient, any dissemination, distribution or copying of this email is not authorised (either explicitly or implicitly) and constitutes an irritating social faux pas.

Unless the word absquatulation has been used in its correct context somewhere other than in this warning, it does not have any legal or grammatical use and may be ignored. No animals were harmed in the transmission of this email, although
the Chihuahua next door is living on borrowed time, let me tell you.

Those of you with an overwhelming fear of the unknown will be gratified to learn that there is no hidden message revealed by reading this warning backwards, so just ignore that Alert Notice from Microsoft. However, by pouring a complete circle of salt around yourself and your computer you can ensure that no harm befalls you and your pets.

If you have received this email in error, please add some nutmeg and egg whites and place it in a warm oven for 40 minutes.Whisk briefly and let it stand for 2 hours before icing.

Thanks to Graham G0SUB for passing this to me

 


A man goes to the confessional.  "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my son?"
"Well, I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you use this awful language?"
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Father,"  "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?"
"Well, no.  You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet." As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew over a bit of forest near the green and the squirrel dropped my
ball."
" Did you swear THEN?" asked the impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell, it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole."
Silence filled the confessional until the Priest sighed and said... .
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"

cu later --
Graham Thomas          

Subject: Interesting Health Canada Survey!!!!!


You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday scientists for Health Canada suggested that, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of  female hormones in beer, men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory:  drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the theory,
100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, had to sit down while urinating, couldn't perform, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned.
from Arny

 

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised and hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched."
"That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"
"Don't mess with Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


A man was standing in a queue at the airport to board a flight for spain, when he noticed a man infront was wearing a thick fur coat and hat. Rather concerned that this man might be in the wrong queue approached him with great caution and asked the man if he had the right flight.The man replied very hush,hush and revielled a small dog under his coat and whispered,"customs".
It just so happens that two men were sat next to each other on the aeroplane.Shortly after take off the man let the dog go, it ran under the seats to the front of the aeroplane and shortly returned, ran up the mans coat and licked his left ear. He nudged this man and said,"ouh! what does he mean by that? The man replied, "well do you see that man just over there, well his carrying Canabis, I get him when we get off at Spain.
Twenty minutes pass the man lets his dog go again. After a couple of minutes the dog returns runs  up the mans coat and licks the mans right ear."hay!hay! what does that mean then you certainly got that dog well trained, thats amazing"."well sir you see that lady sitting over there well she's carrying Cocain, I'll stop her when we get off at Spain.
Another twenty minutes passed and once more the little dog goes on it's run abouts, two minutes later the dog returns jumps onto the man and SHITS on his lap."Christ" he said what the hell does that mean." THERE'S A BOMB ABOARD".

 


At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated "If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:-

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT," but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive but would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "General Protection Fault" warning light.

8. New seats would force everyone to have the same-sized butt.

9. The airbag system would ask "are you sure?" before deploying.

10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (Now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Dept.

12. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

13. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

Almost the same

 

1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you'd have to buy a new car.

2. Occasionally your car would just die on the motor way for no reason, and you'd have to restart it. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this, restart and drive on.

3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and fail to restart and you'd have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason, you'd just accept this too.

4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a "Car 95" or a "Car NT". But then you'd have to buy more seats.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was twice as reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to their cars which would make their cars go much slower.

7. The oil, engine, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced with a single "General Car Fault" warning light.

8. People would get excited about the "new" features in Microsoft cars, forgetting completely that they had been available in other cars for many years.

9. We'd all have to switch to Microsoft gas and all auto fluids but the packaging would be superb.

10. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.

11. The airbag system would say "Are You Sure?" before going off.

12. If your car breaks down and you call microsoft they tell you to close the windows get out of the   car, get back in the car open the windows and miraculously it will start.

12. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

13. They wouldn't build their own engines, but form a cartel with their engine suppliers. The latest engine would have 16 cylinders, multi-point fuel injection and 4 turbos, but it would be a side-valve design so you could use Model-T Ford parts on it.

14. There would be an "Engium Pro" with bigger turbos, but it would be slower on most existing roads.

15. Microsoft cars would have a special radio/cassette player which would only be able to listen to Microsoft FM, and play Microsoft Cassettes. Unless of course, you buy the upgrade to use existing stuff.

16. Microsoft would do so well, because even though they donut own any roads, all of the road manufacturers would give away Microsoft cars free, including IBM!

17. If you still ran old versions of car (i.e.. CarDOS 6.22/CarWIN 3.11 ), then you would be called old fashioned, but you would be able to drive much faster, and on more roads!

18. If you couldn't afford to buy a new car, then you could just borrow your friends, and then copy it.

19. Whenever you bought a car, you would have to reorganize the ignition for a few days before it worked.

20. You would need to buy an upgrade to run cars on a road next to each other.

You would have to make a backup copy of your engine before you drove on any roads which are under construction.

Microsoft Car '95 will tell you about every bump and scratch, no matter how small, in the road you are driving on.  It will make sure you feel every bump in the road too.

Seat belts are not factory installed, and they are not an option when you buy the car from Microsoft.  You'd have to buy them from other companies like McAfee and Symantec.

Sometimes, while driving cross-country, your car will change from its normal, single color, to a rainbow colored, scrambled cube, and it will stop instantly, right in the middle of the road. You will then have to start your cross-country trip over from the beginning.  Microsoft will blame this occurrence on the sunglasses you were wearing at the time.

Most roads have on-ramps to the Information Highway, but you have to pay a toll to use these on-ramps.  If you don't pay the toll, your car will tell you that the on-ramp isn't really there.

Even though the Car '95 looks like a fancy, Italian sports car on the showroom floor, when you get it into your garage, it somehow loses half its cylinders and gets 3 flat tires.  Somehow you wouldn't notice this, and you would complain about how poorly it drives.

Car '95 comes with a fully functional CD Player, but you have to buy the speakers separately, and then you would have to train the CD Player to use your speakers.

If you have a particularly old tape you want to listen to, Car '95 might tell you that it's blank when you know darn well there's music on it, because you were just listening to it in your friend's reliable old Dos Car.

Your license plates would be 20 digits long, and they would go something like "12345-OEM-678909-87654."  You wouldn't be able to start your car unless it had plates on it.  You and your friends could make copies of license plates, but if you are caught with a copied license plate, you can
forget about driving for a while...

Car '95 would not come with headlights, windshield wipers, or shock-absorbers, because Microsoft expects you to drive only during the day, when the weather is nice, and on the newest, smoothest roads.

The new '98 model of the Microsoft Car will actually come with a spare tire!

The Microsoft Car NT5 will have a firewall, so that if an evil mechanic starts to work on your car while you are driving it, you will notice it even less than if you were driving a Car NT4 or Car '95.

Installing a radio into your car would be more difficult than now, because not only do you have to hook it up, you have to teach the car how to use it.

Before you take something out of the trunk, your car would ask you, "Are you sure?"

You would have to make backup copies of your registration before you ever did any custom work on your car, because some customization work will cause your car's registration to mysteriously disappear.

If you are ever involved in a crash, Microsoft will blame it on your style of driving.

 


Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”

 

Pilot wisdom:

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.

The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.

What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Jet and piston engines work on the same principle: Suck and squeeze, blow and go.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error.

,

On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would take down his badge number and report him." You're right sir I think I will report him.
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge number and I'll hold your monkey for you

 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the farmer says. "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing", and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

Man in Chinese restaurant: Waiter!  This chicken is rubbery.
Waiter: So grad you rike it sir.


Chinese man goes into stockbroker's office:  These shares you sold me, they went up, then they went down.  Now they're worth less than when I bought them.
Stockbroker: Well, that's just fluctuations.
Chinese man: It hasn't done you Europeans any good either.