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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women .... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment .... know why they're crying, .... know what they really want when they say 'nothing'.... know how to make them truly happy......." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?" |
| 1st atom " I think I've lost an electron" 2nd atom "are you positive?" |
| A Rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out
of gas and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that
there are only two extra beds, so one person will have to sleep in the
barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I will sleep in the barn." So, he goes out to the few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow." So, the Rabbi says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn." A few minutes later, the farmer hears another knock on the door and it's the Rabbi. He says, "It's against my beliefs to sleep where there is a pig, and there is a pig in the barn." So, the lawyer is forced to agree to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pigand the cow... |
| Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were
approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of
the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they
stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?" The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"... |
| The latest This is good - but I didn't laugh when I read it... (honest)... Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.The question was: "What do women really want?" Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, however, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with just about everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer.The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged. The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: the old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises.. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden. Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and he witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life. Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and passed gas, and made everyone uncomfortable. The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question! Gawain began to think of his predicament: during the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would *you* do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't scroll down until you've made your own choice. // \\ // \\ // \\ // \\ <*< \\ // "The Answer" Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter whether your woman is pretty or ugly, smart or dumb, because underneath it all, she's still a witch.
|
| Once upon a time a British company and the Japanese
decided to have a competitive boat race on the Thames. The Japs won by a
mile. the British firm became very discouraged by the loss and morale
sagged . Senior management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had been found and a project teams set up to investigate the problem end recommended appropriate action. Their conclusion; the Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering. the British team had one rowing and eight people steering. senior management immediately hired a constancy company to do a study of the British team structure. Millions and pounds and several months later they concluded that: Too many people were steering and not enough rowing. To prevent losing to the Japs next year,the team structure was changed to four steering managers, three senior steering managers and one executive steering Manager. A performance and appraisal system was set up to give the person rowing the boat more incentive to work harder and become a keyperformer. The next year the Japs won by two miles. The British company laid off the rower for poor performance, sold the oars, cancelled capital investment.for new equipment and halted development of a new boat, awarded high performance awards to the consultants and distributed the money saved to senior management. |
| Gary Glitter is sitting in his living
room surfing the Internet on his laptop. All of a sudden, the door of the
apartment whips open and hisgirlfriend storms through. She screams, "You
B*stard!" and she heads into the bedroom. Stunned, Gary flips off the computer and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, "Now what have I done?" Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, "My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a paedophile!" Gary responds, "Wow, you're pretty smart for an 8 year old."
|
| A hippie gets onto a bus and proceeds to sit next to a
Nun in the front seat. The Hippie looks over and asks the Nun if she would
have sex with him. The Nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the bus driver says to the hippie, "if you want I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder", said the bus driver guy "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." Well the Hippie decides to try this out so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. And right on schedule the nun shows up. When she's in the middle of praying the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about to go to work on the nun. After the Hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie!!" The nun replied by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!!"
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| >> On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere the following people >>are stranded: >>2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman >>2 French men and 1 French woman >>2 German men and 1 German woman >>2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman >>2 English men and 1 English woman >>2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman >>2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman >>2 American men and 1 American woman >>2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman >>2 New Zealand men 1 New Zealand woman >>2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman >> >>One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred: >> >>One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman. >> >>The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex. >> >>The German woman has a strict weekly schedule when she >>alternates with the two German men. >> >>The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek >>woman is cleaning and cooking for them. >>The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman. >>The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming. >> >>The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining. The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for >>instructions. >>The two Australian men beat each other senseless for the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men on >>the island, after calling them "bloody wankers". One New Zealand man is having sex with the New Zealand woman, the other Kiwi is searching the island for sheep. The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South to make them feel more at home, and by setting up a >>distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture >>because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of >>coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied that at least "those >>English bastards" are not getting any.
|
| >
The Difference Between Airplanes and Women: |
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| IF COMPUTER OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE
AIRLINES UNIX Airways ============ Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what kind of plane they are supposed to be building. Air DOS ======= Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again. Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ... Mac Airlines ============ All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up. Windows Air =========== The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards, easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning whatsoever. The passengers are informed when the plane has exploded. The pilots switch off the engines with the START button. Windows NT Air ============== Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes, and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius when it explodes. Linux Air ========= Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to start their own airline. They build the planes, check-in desks, and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is very comfortable, the plane leaves and arrives on time without a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but all they can say is, "You had to do WHAT with the seat?" I hope you too enjoy it.
|
|
WOMAN: What would you do if I died?
Would you get married again? |
|
A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted,
while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to see if the guy is
worthy.
|
|
Tony Blair is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of
his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of
people with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet
the first and the chap replies:
A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The
kid is spinning a quarter in the air and catching it between his
teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy
at just the wrong moment. The coin goes straight into his mouth and
lodges in his throat. |
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